


Are You Fucking With Me?

by This_ape_writes



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, always cursing, cursing, good lord so much fluffy fluff, like the title didn't warn that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 06:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8613553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_ape_writes/pseuds/This_ape_writes
Summary: Bones meets Winona and it doesn't quite go how you think.





	

I hate relationship titles. Every single one of them could disappear into the depths of hell itself and I would not mourn the loss. 

Although boyfriends is technically I guess what we are. But the word itself sounds so...insubstantial. It makes me think of hastily torn out spiral notebook pages with check boxes and badly misspelled declarations of love scribbled down in crayon. 

But lover is almost worse. Technically it's a correct description too I suppose but it seems like a term that would upset my conservative southern mother and it makes what we actually have feel...cheap. 

Dating is pretty awful too though. It makes it sound like we are nothing but cocktails and awkward social situations that end with a sloppy kiss at the door and sporadic messages that neither of us return in a timely fashion. 

And don't even get me started on significant other. That sounds like a formal check box on a mass printed government form. It's really the lowest of the low. 

Of course maybe the real problem is that we try and sum up our most complex and meaningful human interactions with one stupid insufficient word and we expect that to somehow work. 

Of course the worst thing of all is realizing with a sudden outbreak of sweat that you have been rambling these thoughts out loud as you are meeting the mother of your boyfriend/lover/date/significant other/whatever we are for the very first time.

I might be a tiny bit nervous. 

I'm usually very quiet, I'm not the rambling type and as I realize I'm not just sweating but my heart is kicking up to running exertion speeds I also realize that oh my god, I *am*nervous. 

I knew she would be here tonight and I hadn't been nervous to find that information out. Of course I didn't envision doing this alone either so maybe that's what's killing me here. 

I also rapidly realize I have gone from full rambling stream of consciousness nonsense to dead eyed staring silence and I don't know which is worse. 

I'm usually not this bad at these kinds of things, I swear. I'm never great but I'm not usually quite THIS bad. 

She is staring at me with what I assume is confusion as to why on earth I feel I am even close to worthy enough to even question what her son is to me before slipping into a catatonic silence but she doesn't comment. Instead she points to the empty chair next to my own. 

"May I sit?" she asks. And I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from cursing out loud. 

I nod toward the empty chair. 

I lean closer to her as she sits so that she can hear me over the full room of delegates all chattering away around us. 

"I'm awful at first impressions," I offer as she sits down. "Actually I don't know why I said it that way, people don't usually like me after they get to know me either. But I usually don't care. 'Cept now. I care now. And I am fully aware that this is goin' badly for me so I'm gonna beg you right now for the love of god stop me before it gets any worse," I say. 

"Why would I do that when this is so much fun," she says in a tone that makes me think she's either giving me shit or she has no idea what the word 'fun' means, as she flags down a waiter with a tray of drinks and lifts a flute of clear sparkling liquid from it with an elegance that's just not fair. I scan the room for my other half and try not to think about how awful that term is either but he is no where in sight. 

Maybe I'll get lucky and a fire will break out in this ballroom or an errant asteroid will hit us from nowhere and mercifully kill us all. 

In the meantime I guess I'll just sweat. 

And panic. 

And she seems content just to sit and quietly scrutinize me so really any disaster will do. 

I'm not picky. 

Anytime now. 

Please. 

I really should break the silence but I have no idea what to break it with. 

Luckily she beats me to it. 

"My son tells me you were married," she says. 

"Oh. Yeah. That's a great topic. That won't make me look even worse," I mutter but I sigh. "Yeah I was married. Not anymore. We were young and stupid. The best thing to come out of that shit show was my daughter. Although I haven't seen her for over a year now."

I realize too late that it sounds like I've abandoned my kid and I blink rapidly and try to explain. 

"Not by choice...her mother won't let me see her much."

And there it is. That's worse. 

"Not because of anything specific that I did or anything my ex just doesn't like me. I love my kid. Fuck me why can't I talk!" I growl. 

Good lord god almighty I'm drowning here. This is awful. 

"Jimmy did mention your daughter as well. His version had less curse words of course..." she says. 

"Did he also tell you I'm a doctor? Sometimes that impresses people in a positive way...not that it should," I say weakly as I stir my straw in my pineapple juice in circles sending the tiny bits of ice that are still surviving, swirling around and around as I try and avoid eye contact at all cost. 

"He mentioned that yes," she says her tone neutral and impossible to read. 

"Does that impress you in a positive way or should I just give up..." I say with a small smile hoping to at least not seem psychotic. 

"Doctors don't particularly impress me no," she admits with a shrug. 

"Yeah ok I give up. God I could use a drink," I mutter and then quickly defend myself with wide eyes and a held up palm. "Not that I'm going to. I'm a recovering alcoholic," I say and then I close my eyes and just groan. I hadn't really realized it before but I am truly just a pile of nothing but shit. "What is wrong with me," I groan as I rub my hand down my face. 

"Well according to you everything is wrong with you," she says but I glance at her and she is almost smiling. She reaches over and pats my arm. "I'm a recovering alcoholic myself if that helps you with that last part," she says as she tips her bubbling drink at me and shrugs. "Carbonated water," she says. 

"Oh," I say. 

And I do almost feel better. 

Almost. 

"Look I'm sorry if I intimidated you it really wasn't my intention. I really just wanted to chat," she says. 

I shrug and offer a smile. 

"Well at least I can get everything awful out of the way right out of the damn gate. Maybe it's for the best. Here I'll keep goin'. I cheated on a spelling test in third grade," I say. This wins me a real smile and for a second she looks so much like her son that it settles me down a little bit. 

"I cheated on a math test in second grade so I understand," she says. I raise my eyebrows and smile as I lean forward. 

"I kicked a kid on the playground in fifth grade for kissing a girl in our class against her will," I offer. "I realize that's almost a positive story about myself but I did get detention for it so..." I shrug. She leans forward to me just a bit and quickly licks her lips. 

"I punched a girl in seventh grade for making fun of a classmate," she says. "And I avoided detention."

"See that's not fair. Your stories make me like you," I say with a grin. She chuckles and shrugs. 

"What can I say, I always make a good first impression," she says. 

"Good for you," I grumble. 

"You don't seem to be enjoying yourself much. Is that just because of me, or do you just hate these events in general?" she asks. I take a deep breath and I sit up a little bit. 

"These events in general. I know they're unavoidable but they just..." I shake my head. 

"Too much socializing?" she takes a guess. I look up at her and shake my head again. 

"No that's not it. It's just..." the crowd shifts a bit and I finally catch a glimpse of him across the room. He looks deep in intense conversation and the rapt attention from the group around him tugs at my chest. I swallow. "It makes me realize how inadequate I am and I'm not typically that insecure." The group around him suddenly erupts into laughter and I glance up at him to see he's grinning. I know I'm smiling back at him like an idiot in love but I don't really care at this point. 

I can't embarrass myself any worse. 

"You've known him a long time," she says. I blink away from my staring and look straight back at her. 

"Yes ma'am. Eight years," I say. 

"He's told me a lot about you," she admits as she glances across the room at her son. 

"He has?" I say, mildly surprised. I knew they talked at least once a week and more frequently around holidays and birthdays but I didn't know he'd said anything about me. I assumed that their conversations mostly revolved around their shared love for their work. Especially since whatever serious thing it is that we are to each other now, isn't even a year old. 

She chuckles at me warmly. 

"Of course he has. You're the most important thing in his world," she says. I frown. 

"Huh..." I say. 

"So can I ask why these things make you feel insecure?" she asks resting her hand on top of mine. I chuckle. 

"Look at him," I say tipping my chin in his direction. She does and then blinks back at me. 

"Yes?" she asks clearly not following. I really thought just looking at how amazing he is would make it obvious. 

But that's ok, I can be more specific. 

"He's incredible," I mutter feeling myself flushing just slightly. "I'm pretty sure that everyone he meets falls just a tiny bit in love with him. And if they don't he at least commands their respect. Look at him. He has everyone around him enamored as hell. He's brilliant and he has limitless compassion and he's just so..." I'm out of descriptions. He ultimately defies them anyway. So I stare at him helplessly and shake my head. "And it's not an act. It's not just for this room or this event. It's just him. And I can't even get through a simple introduction without making a complete fool out of myself." I hear her laughing softly and it makes me look at her again. 

"Eight years?" she asks and I frown, confused. "You've really known him eight years and you're still this enamored? Surely he's let you see his flaws by now, because he does have them. I've seen them. Lots of them," she says. I shake my head and glance down at the ground as I let myself grin. 

"He's stubborn. And reckless. And if he wants something he can be absolutely manipulative as hell," I say raising an eyebrow and looking straight at her. Her brilliant smile is back and I nod. "Better?" I ask. 

"Much!" she says. "I was drowning in your delusions of sweetness." I grin wider and shake my head. 

"They aren't delusions. Look, Admiral Kirk..."

"Oh god no," she interrupts with a look on her face like she's just eaten something rotten. "Winona please. Admiral just...". She shakes her head and briefly sticks out her tongue in disgust. 

"Oh that's where he gets that," I mutter. 

She frowns. 

"He doesn't like using his rank?" she asks. 

"Only when he's teasin' or tryin' a get a rise outta me. In seriousness? Never," I admit. 

She smiles. 

"Winona?" I try again and she nods. "I know that you've probably heard all kinds of people sing your sons praises to you over the years." 

"Not as often as you'd think," she says wearily. 

"And I'm not delusional. I know he's got flaws but..." I shake my head and stare at her. "I've never met anyone quite as incredible as your son. He's been through some awful things but he's the most positive person I've ever known. He's got the biggest heart for everyone he meets. I can't understand it. But I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life. And I know I don't deserve to be by his side but I promise you I will do everything in my power to make sure he stays safe and loved and that he's as happy as he possibly can be," I say. Her smile is warm and she squeezes my hand. 

"You're not as bad at first impressions as you think," she says. "And I've heard enough stories about you to know that you absolutely deserve to be at his side, so don't say that anymore alright?" she says. I close my eyes and shake my head. 

"How do you know *he's* not delusional," I ask as I glance over at him again and realize he's coming our way. 

"I guess I don't," she says with a grin. We both sit up straighter away from each other as he approaches and I can't help the smile that stretches the limits of my face as he lights up like Las Vegas and pulls his mother to her feet and into a giant hug. 

"You came!" he says as he spins around and I catch that her face is just as glowing as his. 

"I did!" she says as she hugs him back with crushing strength. 

"I'm so glad!" he says pulling back to kiss her cheek and then look at her seriously. "I was afraid that scuffle on Altmid might have..." 

"Oh no. I sent Harris for that. He's more than capable and if it falls apart I can always fix it later," she says as she pats his chest with fondness and smiles up at him. 

"I'm not sure I trust him as much as you do," he warns. 

"That was over two years ago James. Don't hold that against him." He rolls his eyes and kisses her cheek again. 

"You're too forgiving mom. You always think the best of people whether they give you reason to or not," he says. I snort at the ironic-ness of that statement and he looks up like he's forgotten I was even here but his glowing smile is back as he rests his arm around her back. "I'm sorry I wasn't here to make introductions. I see you two have met?" 

"We have," his mother says with a smile and I shake my head. 

"I made a complete ass outta myself without you here to stop me. Thanks for that. You know I'm bad at getting people to like me," I grumble leaning forward, my arm against the table. 

"Bones I'm sure it was fine," he says. 

"No he's right. He made an ass out of himself," she says and I wave my hand at her with my eyebrows raised. 

"See?" I say. 

"Oh come on..." he starts but I interrupt him. 

"No. I did. It was awful. She knows all of my dark secrets. She knows what a grumpy piece of shit I really and truly am."

I sigh. 

"And it sucks. It really sucks Jim. Because I don't know how I'm gonna win her over in time now to get her blessing so that I can marry you, it's all but impossible." I shake my head and look at the ground but I catch the change in his posture in the edge of my vision as I do. "Not that it's completely impossible I guess. But I mean I really started out badly. I mentioned I was an alcoholic. Right out of the gate Jim I..." but he interrupts. 

"Bones are you fucking with me?" He reaches out to put his hand against my shoulder and his voice has lost volume like he started talking without remembering to breathe first. I look up at him innocently. 

"Not at all I absolutely told her I was an alcoholic. Stupid right? Who opens with *that*," I say failing miserably at holding in my own smile. 

"Shut up with that. Are you fucking with me," he asks again. 

I make sure he's looking right at me and I manage to wipe my smile away. I don't want him misunderstanding me. 

Not right now. 

"No. I'm not," I say. "If you'll have me." And I suddenly feel just a tiny bit of nerves. His eyes widen a little bit and I can see his chest rise and fall a little faster. 

"God of course I'll have...but I thought you said..."

"Maybe I changed my mind." 

"Maybe?"

"Ok not maybe. I changed my mind." 

"But where did this even..."

"I've been considering it ..."

"I just thought..."

"I know. But I'm sure."

His breathing is even faster now and I'm beginning to think this wasn't the best way to go about this. The last thing I need is for him to pass out.  
He looks dazed and when he leans into his mom I almost think it's to keep from falling over, but he kisses the top of her head and grins with eyes that look just a tiny bit manic. 

"Mom? Please tell me you heard that too and I wasn't hallucinating." 

"The proposal you mean? Yes I heard it. And Leonard my blessing won't be that hard to earn. You underestimate yourself. Also is 'husband' an okay enough term for you then?" she asks with a hint of amusement in her eyes and I can't help the laugh that rockets out of my chest. 

"No. It's still inadequate," I say as I pull myself to my feet and give her a quick hug. "But," I pull back and look up like I'm mulling it over. "It's not awful," I admit before I'm forcibly yanked toward him with both hands on my face so he can kiss me. It's quick and chaste and I have to think his mom being inches away is what does that, but he lets me go and the look on his face as he stares at me is something I want to keep for the rest of my damn life. 

It's amused, and awestruck, and confused but that's all wrapped together in insane excitement that's practically bursting out of him in flames. But just like that his look shifts to wide eyed panic and he drops one hand away from my face to grab ahold of his moms arm. 

"Oh my god. Mom did I say yes? I didn't did I...did I forget that?" he asks. 

"I think you muttered something about having him but I wasn't quite following the narrative for a bit there..." she says as I take a tiny step back. 

He keeps his other hand against the side of my face to spite my new level of distance and he looks at me with that same wild level of panic. 

"Yes. I'll absolutely...yes. Just in case I didn't say it Bones, I will, I want to, yes." I lean in for another soft kiss and pull back so he doesn't miss the grin on my face. 

"Me too, kid," I say. "Me too."

**Author's Note:**

> Alright look. I ain't one of those people that thinks marriage is the end all be all of everything. Alright? It works great for some people it doesn't for other people it isn't the only key to happy that's bull crap. 
> 
> And this started out as me ranting to my coworkers about titles and how wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, other half, partner blech they all suck. 
> 
> The best I've found is Drunker Half but that doesn't go over well in some fancy or conservative settings so whatever. 
> 
> So anyway, I started writing and I wanted to meet Wynona. Hell she gets a bad wrap. I should know I've given her one. But that can't be right. So it was going to be Bones making an idiot of himself them swapping some stories and bonding over a mutual love for Jim. But then Bones had to go rogue and as I was writing it I was yelling "No Bones what are you doing stop!" But it was too late and then Jim was so happy I couldn't take it back that would be cruel. 
> 
> So that's the story of how this story got out of hand and wasn't what I intended but ended up kinda nice. 
> 
> Dammit Bones.


End file.
